One Year of Eternal Life

Earlier this week marked one year since my mom has passed. I keep saying this over and over but it's just so surreal how one entire year has already flown by since she left this earth. While planning for her anniversary of eternal life, I was bummed... bummed I was planning these events in honor of her memory and also bummed that one year marks the release of mourning of her loss.

My family and I hosted a beautiful lunch for close family and friends to come and honor my mom's memory. Then we had a blessing at her grave site and of course shared a meal over chitter chatter amongst each other. Both of events were simply beautiful and felt very free'ing. We shared testimonies about my mom and what a lovely woman she was, and how her memories impact us every single day.

After celebrating my mom's life and her entering the gates of heaven to eternal life, I feel at peace. Not to say that I won't ever have another bummed or sad moment, or that I won't shed a tear thinking about how much I miss her. BUT what I can say is that when I think about my mom and how she gets to rejoice with our God in Heaven, I am beyond happy for her and want to celebrate that moment as much as I am able to when I think of her.

Reflection Friday

{source}

I wish I can catch all of my memories and place them in a jar of life so that 1) I can remember and reminisce myself and 2) I can share those memories with my children, grandchildren, family and anyone who will listen! I've written many blog posts on J&BT, and even more when I was blogging here... that sometimes I go back in the archives and reflect where I was at a week ago, a month ago, even a year or more ago! Reflecting makes me grateful for where I am and what I have today.

All of that to say, I thought of something I can do to help bring my memories back to life. I can take one day a week and reflect here on J&BT... back to years ago, or maybe even short days ago. One of the most powerful messages I heard at my church was to feed your miracle. In other words, once you have received your blessing(s), be sure to share that blessing with others and bring it to life as much as you can! That's what I intend to do with these reflection posts... bringing my blessings back to life to remind myself of how amazing God is, and also in hopes that they might inspire you!

// My Mother
A year ago at this time, my mom was battling stage 4 cancer that she had just found out two weeks before she had passed. Her strength and calmness during those weeks in the hospital was extremely reflective on how she was her entire life. She was a woman of great patience and understanding... of love and forgiveness... of humility and honor. She was my mom and I am so proud to say so!

// Finding My Determination
A few years ago, I thought my career was over. There were major budget cuts in the university I worked for, and unfortunately our entire department was let go. That was the first time I had ever been a part of a major lay off and it was almost as if I was mourning a piece of me. I've left a job in the past, but on my terms. This time I had no control of departing ways. Reflecting back, I know that time was meant to happen and it allowed me to be fully present when I gave birth to my LO. A total blessing in disguise!

// We travelled back home!
To visit, that is... The LO and I flew back to LA to celebrate my mom's one year of eternal life. We left on an early morning flight in hopes that it would be sleepy time for my LO, and it turned out to be  just that! I was grateful that he slept most of both flights, but there were also short moments where the small space confined him so much he was flopping like a fish! BUT we made it safe and sound and we're looking forward to celebrating my mom and spending time with family.

My Mother

Today is my mom's 60th birthday, and she has been heavy on my heart and mind. Yes, I think about her on a daily basis, but most of the time I reflect on positive moments and recognize the blessings surrounding us everywhere. Lately, the thoughts I've been having about my mom are about the last few weeks that her body was fighting that disgusting disease that we should be focusing our hatred on... cancer. Although I shared some tidbits of what was going on this past January, I wanna take this time and speak more from my heart about what's been racing through my thoughts.

My mom was so fragile those last few weeks. My family and I kept telling her she was going to beat this cancer and it would soon be a distant memory. I just wanted to find out results from her blood work, which took SUCH a long time, and devise a plan of either radiation, chemo or whatever it would take. We had a bit of a hiccup at first because doctors said that my mom might have had tuberculosis. Therefore, she had to be secluded in a room that required everyone to wear a mask. That first week my mom was in the VA hospital, I was fortunate enough to have family everywhere. Two of my mom's sisters stayed at her bedside every single night and day (while I was home at night with a 3-month old baby). Family would wait with her day in and day out for doctors to come and provide any kind of update. My mom was never alone in those rough weeks, which I am beyond grateful for. I would even have my aunts rotate and watch baby in the car while I sat with my mom in her secluded room. My mom waited for going on 5 days... waiting day and night for an update from apparently fellowship students because the doctors were SO hard to get ahold of in that hospital! Towards the end of the week, test results confirmed that she did not have TB... unfortunately this wasn't the best news we heard, being that it meant that her irregular blood work most likely pointed to cancer. They ended up taking a biopsy at the end of the week and sent my mom home on a Friday, telling her she would need to return the following week on Wednesday to review the biopsy results.

My mom was so weak upon arriving home. She could barely walk let alone breathe. It was beyond shocking to me because just short of a week ago, I was looking at my mom walking and talking just fine. Yes, she appeared to be sick, but not to this extent. Baby and I (and more family, of course) spent all day Saturday with her, encouraging her to move around and not consume her mind around the big C word [probably easier said than done]. I even shared with my mom a story I had read that week about a woman who was sufferring health issues that she felt so defeated. The power of prayer and willingness completely changed her situation, and she was healed by the grace of God. My intent was to share some uplifting and positive messages with my mom so that she can also feel like this was going to turn around with prayer, faith and love. I just don't think she whole-heartedly could get her mind off of being told she had cancer.

That night/early morning, my mom suffered a stroke. She was taken to Long Beach Memorial Hospital, and they broke some heartbreaking news to us just hours after assessing CAT scan and MRI results. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer that had metastasized very rapidly, throughout her entire body, including her brain which is how she suffered the stroke. I can't explain the hurt I felt... the feelings of defeat I had... the loss of words for my poor Mom. In that moment, one of my Aunts told me it was time for us to stay strong. My mom didn't need to see us hurting when she was the one hurting the most. My mom needed uplifting prayers... for strength... for peace... for love. I tried my hardest to stay strong during that time... leading up to the last week my mom spent on this earth.

After transferring my mom to her hospital, Kaiser, we soon made this 3rd hospital our homebase. We spent day and night there... my aunts staying overnight every single night. We sang with my mom, prayed with her, read her scriptures from the bible, and talked to her about anything and everything. She was released from Kaiser on hospice on a Sunday morning. That night, my family surrounded her bed, singing and praying and respecting the woman she was... the mom she was.. the sister she was... the aunt she was... the soldier she was. My mom was called to Heaven that night around 10pm.

I have the utmost honorable respect for my mother. She had all KINDS of occurances happening in those 2 rough weeks, one after another... And she managed to keep a smile on her face, speaking great positivity of being able to see her grandson when she was well again. She was the epitome of a fighter demonstrating such toughness, endrance, happiness and love more than I can ever imagine.

Dear Mom,

I am beyond proud of you, and proud to be your daughter. You left no stone unturned on this earth. You have taught me to never give up no matter what life brings my way. You have taught me to love my children unconditionally and always strive for the best in life for them. You have taught me to always always always put God first and trust in our Lord.

Manuia lou aso fanau! Alofa tele atu mo oe.

Mothers

Mother's Day weekend! Every year, I celebrate the blessings of my beautiful mother. This year, I will continue to celebrate her legacy as MY mother and share memories of her with my family. As hard as it may be and as sad as I might feel [especially on Sunday], my strategy is to focus on how she breathed nothing but goodness on me. Nobody loved me like my mom did. She forgave me when times were rough. She praised me when times were high. She scolded me when I was young. She held me as I cried. My mom was and always will be my guardian angel.

Makes me think of how BLESSED I am to be my son's mother. Nobody on earth will love him like I do. When he laughs in happiness, I will laugh with him. When he cries in sadness or anger, I will [almost] cry right there with him. When he feels mischievous, I will definitely be there to course correct. God has picked ME of all people to be his mother... I will take this victory and enjoy every single moment until I take my last breath.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you women out there who love and care for these beautiful children!

Catch Up

I know it's been quiet here on J&BT lately, and I honestly miss having a presence in the bloggy world. I refuse to go dormant as long as I did when I closed the chapter of la la Love, Learn and Laugh. So here I am... ready to make a come back as best as I can!

Questions... I bet you have quite a few of them. So I'll try my best to put my reader hat on and ask and respond to what I think you might be curious about. Starting with the most obvious question of all:

// Q:  Where have you been?
Since my last blog post in December, it's been quite a whirlwind for my little family and I. We were in Frisco for the Husker-Bruin bowl game (which we dominated! WOOOOP!)... then we went home to LA... came back to Lincoln... eventually went back to Cali... and today I sit here from the comfort of my own home in Lincoln (in the span of 4 months!).

// Q:  What's been going on?
When we went home to Cali in December after the bowl game, my mom became very ill. What we thought was pneumonia or even possibly tuberculosis, turned out to be stage 4 cancer that had metastasized throughout her body. Unfortunately, she was called home by our Lord and Savior on January 17th. Almost 5 months later, and it's just as surreal to me as when it initially happened.

Since my mom passed, I've been back and forth between Cali and Nebraska to take care of her personal matters. I've been here in Lincoln since early April and trying to establish some sort of routine, not only for myself but for my little one as well! I'm happy to report that he is now going to bed at a decent hour (7:30pm-ish). Between the time difference, the multiple houses we stayed at, and being on the go, we're marching our way to small wins!

// Q:  How are you feeling?
I would love to think that this has all been a dream and my mom is really still alive today... to check in with me on the phone on her way to work... to ask about the baby... to visit us in Nebraska during football season... BUT the reality is that she is no longer on earth suffering or in pain. She is rejoicing with the rest of our family in Heaven. I have days that I clearly understand that and am totally content. Other days I hold my sadness... my disbelief... my guilt... which is something I'm learning to do each day is to HOLD it not HEAL it [as Jeff Foster would say]. I can't really fix the sadness or the loneliness.... but rather I can just let myself BE.

I try and remind myself that life is much more than the daily struggles we face. Our possessions are not everlasting, the worry or stress we carry doesn't solve anything, finances will always be somewhat of a burden to us. However, these struggles seem so minimal if we can focus on happiness.

How can I live a happy life so that my hubs and son can benefit from the best ME? What can I do today that will help bring positivity into my life? Am I being the best ME that I can be today? These are questions that come across my mind SO many times every single day. They give me strength... courage... motivation- things my mom brought to my life. I am extremely grateful to be her daughter, and look forward to growing more and more every day by what she has instilled in me.